Nightlight: A Parody by The Harvard Lampoon

By The Harvard Lampoon

About 3 issues i used to be totally sure. First, Edwart was once probably my soul mate, probably. moment, there has been a vampire a part of him--which i thought used to be wildly out of his control--that sought after me useless. And 3rd, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wanted he had kissed me.

And therefore Belle Goose falls in love with the mysterious and sparkly Edwart Mullen within the Harvard Lampoon's hilarious send-up of Twilight.

Pale and klutzy, Belle arrives in Switchblade, Oregon searching for event, or not less than an undead classmate. She quickly discovers Edwart, a super-hot computing device nerd with 0 curiosity in ladies. After witnessing a few unusual events--Edwart leaves his tater children untouched at lunch! Edwart saves her from a flying snowball!--Belle has a dramatic revelation: Edwart is a vampire. yet how can she persuade Edwart to chew her and rework her into his everlasting bride, specifically whilst he turns out to discover women so repulsive?

Complete with romance, threat, inadequate parental guardianship, creepy stalker-like habit, and a vampire promenade, Nightlight is the uproarious story of a vampire-obsessed woman, trying to find love in all of the incorrect places.

From the alternate Paperback variation.

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Nightlight: A Parody

Approximately 3 issues i used to be totally sure. First, Edwart was once probably my soul mate, possibly. moment, there has been a vampire a part of him--which i presumed used to be wildly out of his control--that sought after me useless. And 3rd, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably needed he had kissed me.

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In the NY hotel rm (they turn up again in Angst)—what good’s writing? ’’ Forgotten underlined three times, as if forgotten by three forgettings. To which add today the forgetting that followed upon these notes, interrupted for the time being by the finding of the ................. 16582$ $CH3 10-11-07 15:26:56 PS PAGE 35 post-it. Is this the fourth forgetting? How many forgettings does it take to forget, then to forget, then to forget about the forgetting? I remember the forgotten roses very well, backs straight him sprawled on the couch in room 91 them erect upright legs bunched together in the hotel vase saying we’ve been waiting for you red long-stemmed, showy, stout, vigorous roses, in the room I don’t see them as they are but for what they meant.

It was only many years later I noticed the Detail that gives us access to ‘‘The Metamorphosis’’ (‘‘Die Verwandlung’’) though it is perfectly obvious in the entryway where it vegetates and stinks, the eternal cadaver posted as a warning to the reader. But as it doesn’t call out or moan or squeak the avid visitor sweeps indifferently past the prophetic vignette and throws himself into the front room from which he doesn’t emerge alive. If only you’d read the warning Nothing wouldn’t have happened.

I wept. I should have taken out the lens. 27 the eye-patch ................. 16582$ $CH2 10-11-07 15:26:55 PS PAGE 27 * * * This whole story turns on an eye, now one of the eyes of one character, now one of the eyes of the other. This comment is totally extraneous to the story’s events. It belongs to the Tale. To the Tale, that is, version 2000. Before this date a thin sheet of soundproof glass slipped itself between the story’s events and the Tale. So long as I wore a contact lens (that is, one lens) I couldn’t tell.

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