How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

By Seth Grahame-Smith

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
 
From ghosts, vampires, and zombies to serial killers, cannibalistic hillbillies, and haunted eastern videocassettes, How to outlive a Horror motion picture shows tips on how to defeat each hindrance present in frightening movies. Readers will discover:
 
     •  How to accomplish an Exorcism
     •  What to Do for those who Did whatever final Summer
     •  How to cajole the Skeptical neighborhood Sheriff
     •  How to conquer a Murderous Doll
     •  How to outlive an Alien Invasion
     •  How to inform If You’ve Been lifeless because the starting of the Movie
 
and lots more and plenty, even more. entire with priceless directions, insane illustrations, and a listing of a hundred vital motion pictures to review, How to outlive a Horror motion picture is crucial interpreting for promenade queens, jocks, teenage babysitters, and a person hired through a summer season camp.

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Extra resources for How to Survive a Horror Movie

Sample text

Regardless of what the caller ID says, let it ring. If it’s the parents, they’ll leave a message. If it’s one of your friends, you shouldn’t be chatting with them anyway. But we both know it’s not the parents or your friends. Why? Because this is a horror movie. And in a horror movie, it’s always the killer, who is always calling from another part of the house. Your screenwriters are begging you to answer that phone. They need you to answer it, so their villain can send chills down your spine with some clever one-liner.

The world is yours. Time is limitless. Only it isn’t. This isn’t real life, it’s a horror movie, where long summer days begin with singing birds and end with your throat getting slit in the woods. When you’re a teen (or young adult) on summer vacation, every day is the last day of the rest of your life. That is, assuming you make the same stupid mistakes that young horror movie characters always seem to make. 1. STAY AWAY FROM CABINS. Cabins are the bug zappers of the horror movie universe—a place where the more gullible of our species are weeded out in one gruesome instant.

THE TOOLSHED ARSENAL If you’re looking for a weapon in the Terrorverse, you can’t go wrong raiding the nearest toolshed (or garage). But choose wisely! TAKE IT: • Chainsaw—the horror movie defensive weapon of choice. Light and deadly. • Hatchet—not as good as a chainsaw, but handy for cracking skulls and severing spinal cords. • Sickle—either long- or short-handled. Great for slicing bellies open. • Awl—penetrates foreheads and eyeballs with ease and fits nicely in your front pocket. LEAVE IT: • Shovel—too heavy on one end.

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